Day 245: Biological Roadmap

Most of the readers of this blog know that I was adopted. When I was 27, I met my biological mother, and that was the first time I learned anything about the minds and bodies of the people whose DNA I inherited.

Growing up without a biological "model" for yourself has its challenges, but overall I'd say it's a net win. Face it... there's a reason many kids fantasize about suddenly discovering they're adopted.

One of the unanticipated side-effects of meeting my biological mother, and learning about her and about my biological father, was that I suddenly had genetic models where none had existed before. Growing up, it seemed that most of what made me fundamentally "me" just appeared. Up until then I had been (I assumed) a creation of my own invention. Whatever natural physical ability I had was just "me". My musical ability: I had been interested and just gone ahead and done it. Mom and Dad didn't listen to music, much less play it. I did it of my own accord and owed none of my accomplishments to anyone but myself!

Obviously I knew that there were biological forces at work which, for me, were just remaining behind the scenes. Still, without physical tokens reinforcing the fact on a daily basis, it was easy to view myself as a an independent free-agent, rather than the product of two mortals.

Then, at age 27, I met Paula, my biological mother, and learned that she was musical, and that my biological father played guitar (my instrument) quite well. I met one his best childhood friends, who commented that I carried myself the way my biological father did, that we even water-skied the same way.

All of a sudden I couldn't take "credit" for any of the positive natural abilities I had enjoyed throughout my life. Now the person I had worked so hard to become had less to do with the force of my own will, or my hard work, than with genetic predisposition. It really wiped out much of what I had thought to be "me".

I've been speculating a lot lately about what our son will think of us, what he'll see when he really takes a look. I have to ask myself: might our son be better off as I was, not having a parent as an approximation of what he can expect as he grows up and grows older?

For example, I spent most of my youth and adult life confidently believing that I could eat whatever I liked and would never need to worry about my diet. People had told me so. Hell, less than two years ago my new doctor himself told me I could eat whatever I liked. I was very surprised to hear that from anyone in the medical profession!

Today, two years later, I went back to that doctor for a physical and learned that I've put on 16 pounds since that first visit. My doctor has rescinded my dietary carte blanch, ending a gaudy, epic, 42 year run of pure freedom. At least it didn't happen 'til after Thanksgiving.

So I'll either work at it and stay relatively trim, or I'll grow larger. One or the other. I'll probably also get glasses some day because, face it, most of us do when we grow older (Paula has!). And our son, poor kid, will witness all this—and perhaps much worse—and someday put it together than what happened to me has a fair chance of eventually befalling him as well.

When I was a boy (and even when I was an adult) I had no reason to believe I'd ever need glasses, no matter what my adopted parents needed, and to hell with what most people needed... I wasn't most people, I was a genetic island, with no indication anywhere that I would be anything but perfect throughout my entire life! That's a great feeling, and I don't know if our boy can ever experience it with me around. At least not with the abandon I did.

Mary and I aren't perfect by any means, but we're both lucky to have good health, good metabolisms, and a fair accumulation of natural abilities. I'm happy our boy will probably inherit many of these good things, but a piece of me wishes he could have the luxury I did, of believing that he simply summons whatever natural gifts he has from thin air, by force of his own will! And I wish I could spare him the preview of watching what happens to me as I age. However lucky I've been, I'm only human, and when I was a kid with no biological roadmap I was happy to believe that I was superior to mere humans, with their tendencies to end up just like their parents. None of that predetermination for me thanks, I'll take pure potential instead!

Day 242: News Flash

We're under four weeks away from our due date now, and we continue to keep our eyes on the parenting news we see streaming past each day. But some of the studies that are getting press seem more like common sense than research.

Last night Mary discovered an article on a study which found that new mothers who get plenty of rest are more likely to get back to their normal weight after delivering their babies. So the women who aren't too tired to exercise are better able to lose weight?? Duh.

Or this one, which answers an age-old question: is there a correlation between parents' activity levels and their kids'? That's a tough one!

But the one that really made me shake my head was this one, whose headline wins the award for "most obvious": Bad Behavior in Youth Linked to Career Problems Later.

Good thing we're watching the news!

Day 231: Actual Research

It's official. What you name your child does matter! In a recent study, researchers have concluded that students with names that begin in with A and B get better grades than students whose names begin with C and D. Also, that fondness for one's own name will cause a potentially damaging bias toward people, places, or institutions with similar names. For example, Philadelphia attracts a disproportionate number of Philips, Phyllises and the like, and Jacks and Jackies tend to move to Jacksonville in higher-than-exptected numbers.

So I guess Detroit Faulkner is out of the question.

Day 226: TCB

To start this weekend, Mary composed a list of stuff we still have to take car of... stuff to fix, to acquire, to assemble. I added a few items. We'll continue adding as we think/learn of things. It was a pretty comprehensive list, and we managed to power through quite a bit of it.

For example, we managed to buy that fancy stroller. You remember... the one I spent so much effort justifying. We also ordered a bunch of fundamentals online, acquired some diapers and some bottles, bought and assembled a nice little stand for our Baby Moses thingie. We're definitely taking care of business. For the first time I feel we're getting close to being ready for this kid... at least logistically speaking.

Mary's 34 weeks in, with just six weeks left until the due date. Our boy is already fully formed. He'd survive just fine out here now... he's just finishing baking. Soon we'll be at the point where we really ought to have our bags packed & ready to go. Feels like we're entering the next phase.

Day 220: Name Game - A Final List

We have eight weeks left, if we're lucky. It's getting down to the wire, and I feel the need to push us closer to consensus on a name for this kid. We have a working list of every name we've given even the slightest consideration. Since my scientific approach failed (when I tried to apply a fancy spreadsheet to the problem of arriving at a compromise), I thought I might try something more straight-forward this time. Simple ranking.

I took the top dozen names from the "scientific approach" (some of which aren't under serious consideration at this point, but whatever). I ordered them randomly, then asked Mary to rank them from favorite to least favorte. I did the same. My list, in order, is:

• Emmett
• Everett
• Addison
• Elliot
• Clement
• Watson
• Reik
• Robert
• August
• Emerson
• Lincoln
• Waldron

Side note for the uninitiated: the name Reik is pronounced "rake"... at least that's how we're saying it, and it comes from the Scottish ancestors on my mother's side.

Mary's list looks like this:

• Elliot
• Reik
• Addison
• August
• Everett
• Emmett
• Emerson
• Waldron
• Watson
• Lincoln
• Clement
• Robert

So I took the ordinal position of each name, in each list, and averaged them. For example, in my list, Clement is 5th. In Mary's list, it's 11th. The average average 5 and 11 is 8. Clement gets a score of 8. I then ordered the list according to each name's score.

• Elliot - 2.5
• Addison - 3
• Emmett - 3.5
• Everett - 3.5
• Reik - 4.5
• August - 6.5
• Watson - 7.5
• Clement - 8
• Emerson - 8.5
• Robert - 10
• Waldron - 10
• Lincoln - 10.5

If we were to compromise using this method, Elliot would win.

I've redone the poll again. This time for the last time, I promise. The top five names from this methodology are now open for voting, as is the "something else" option. Please do make your one selection. Mary and I will be refraining from voting, to see what people really think. We'll very likely then be ignoring what people really think when we finally reach our decision!

The problem I have with these methods of finding a compromise is that, in the end, I just don't want to compromise. I want to use the name that I like best. I've asked Mary to take some time with the idea of Emmett, to look at it again, ponder it for a few days, try it on for size, in her mind, as the name of our boy. Who knows... maybe it'll grow on her.

So what's your vote?

Day 220: Education

Spent Saturday and Sunday in our Childbirth Preparation class at Mass General. You may recall from an earlier post that Mary and I are also signed-up for a three-hour Infant Care class, and were bemused that "infant care" warrants only three hours, whereas Childbirth Prep merits ten.

We both agree that the course was valuable. But it probably didn't need to be two days long, and in fact they do offer an 8-hour one-day class.

Much of the course focused on what pain relief measures—both pharmacological otherwise—are available to laboring women. We learned that 78% of women who give birth at Mass General do so with epidural pain relief. I was surprised by that number. Another surprising number: 30% of babies delivered there are delivered via cesarean section. Whoa! Of course, that number is artificially inflated by virtue of the fact that many women who expect complications or multiple births opt for Mass General rather than facilities nearer to home. But still. Big number. The national cesarean rate was close to 25% in 2003, according to some sources.

I just want my girlie to have as easy a time as possible. She's got a great attitude about it. So far everything has gone very smoothly. Here's hoping the trend continues!

Day 216: Golden Days

Things are pretty good for us these days. We've got the best of both worlds. We get all the personal satisfaction and excitement of knowing that our little family is growing and that we'll soon have a baby boy, and we get it without all the worry, hassle, noise and smell of an actual baby. As long as he stays inside Mary, we're mobile. We get to sleep. And we get to keep our naive, idealistic ideas about what parenthood will be like when the kid arrives.

These are the golden days!