Day 199: Name Game - The Rules

Choosing a name for our boy has become the most contentious part of my relationship with Mary. I have a need to solve this problem, so I thought I'd post a revision of the "rules" we have for choosing a name. I'm hoping this will focus our thinking and our discussion on the matter, help us get to resolution so we can both feel good about what we're going to name this kid.

Previously, everything was treated as a hurdle which must be crossed. We've since learned that there are no names that magically pass all negative tests. There are names both Mary and I like which, by our own "rules", aren't perfect. So we'll keep the list of total nonstarters short, then explore categories which can grant positive associations, then look at what can detract from a name's appeal.

Non-starters
Any name with the following characteristics must be excluded:

• Alliterative names - anything with an F sound like. e.g. Frank Faulkner doesn't work.
• "er" names - e.g. Hunter Faulkner. Doesn't work. Neither does the family name Latimer, unfortunately. Technically, I guess these are also alliterative names, but we'll give them their own bullet, just to be clear.
  
• Bad initials - e.g. Elliot Latimer Faulkner. Breaks the "er" rule above, but mabye worse, has ELF for initials. Perhaps this shouldn't be a nonstarter, but it's an easy hurdle to cross so let's call it a rule.
• Cheesy names - Finesse, Gunner, Angel. These are sometimes used as boys' names. Not our boy, thanks. Angel I can forgive in a Latino context, but nowhere else.
  
• Hippy names - these don't really work with the literary-sounding Faulkner. Plus it paints him into a personality-corner. Sky Faulkner. Rain Faulkner. No.

Positive Points
Names get positive points if they can claim any of the following characteristics:

• Family names - positive points if the name is somewhere in either my or Mary's family tree. Much preferred, and grants immunity against negative points for pretentiousness (see below).
• Literary-sounding names - with a name like Faulkner, it'd be a shame to give him a name he couldn't proudly use on a book-jacket! Here I think Emerson (a family name somewhere on my side) might work well.
• Cowboy names that work with Faulkner - it's hard to find them, but with Mary's western heritage, any cowboy name that can actually work with Faulkner gets positive points. The name Emmett was the exception that broke the original "no cowboy names" rule. We think it's sort of a cowboy name, but maybe it's a down home name instead. Whatever.
• Rockstar names - I'd love to give our son a name he can use to front a rock band. I think Emmett also works in that capacity. My friend Andrew actually did suggest the name "Roxtar". Well played, sir!
• Gravitas - Addison Faulkner is a name you can take to the Senate if you need to. It'd be nice to start our boy off with a name that confers some gravitas. He can always shorten this type of name if it gets too cumbersome.
  
• Punch - we seem to favor names that start with, or at least contain, hard sounds and syllables. This accounts for the large number of names we've considered that start with E. Gives it a punch. One of the few complaints I've had with the name Waldron, in adult life anyway, is the absence of this kind of punch. The name Waldron Faulkner is so mushy sounding that it's sometimes difficult for me to pronounce! Punch is nice to have, for a boy.
  
• Odd number of syllables - Rhythmically speaking, you want the entire name, however it's configured, to have an odd number of syllables. Since Faulkner is even, we need an odd number in the first name, and then an even number in the middle name. This way, whether one pronounces just the first name, or the first and last, or the full name—it always contains an odd number.

Negative Points
Names are penalized—but perhaps not completely excluded—if they fall into any of the following categories:

• Incongruous with last name - this is the clause which encapsulates the hitherto nonstarting cowboy names and tough guy names. On reflection, we do like names which could fall into either of these two categories, but find they usually don't work well with the somewhat stuffy-sounding last name Faulkner. Rock Faulkner? Positive points for being a rock star name and for having an odd number of syllables, but just doesn't work.
• Common names - we're shying away from names like Michael and Andrew and James. I've enjoyed having a unique name, and Mary has disliked having an extremely common name. So we're going to give extra negative points for names that are "normal".
• Pretentious names - anything that sounds like it belongs in the country club (a condition that is sorely exacerbated when paired with Faulkner) gets negative points. However, as noted above, these negative points are nullified if the the pretentious name happens to be a family name. In my family, where Waldron, Winthrop, Avery and even Cuthbert all make multiple appearances on the family tree, we should have plenty of material to get past the pretentiousness clause.
• Taken names - it's disappointing when a friend or family member has used-up an otherwise promising name on their own child... or dog (looking at you, Sara).
• Poor shortener - many of the names we like suffer from this condition. Elliot shortens naturally to El or Elly. These are feminine (Elle and Ellie). Emerson and Emmet both shorten to Em or Emmy. These too are feminine. Clement shortens to an incongruous cowboy name: Clem. This could be counteracted (perhaps) by simply assigning our child an acceptable version of one of these names, or even an arbitrary nickname. Better get it done early, though.
• Bad cadence - remember the name Dexter? My only problem with this, after the fact that it's an "er" name, is that the shortened version, Dex, puts three consonant sounds in a row when matched with Faulkner. The "x" in Dex and the F in my last name make a "ksf" noise that I just can't get past. Of course, this isn't actually cadence, but I'm going to count it as similar to having a bad pattern of rhythmic stresses within the syllables of a name.
  
• Wimpy names - except in extreme cases (e.g. Pointdexter), wimpiness is subjective. I think many of the pretentious sounding country-club names in my family are a touch wimpy-sounding, and I have a slight "wimpy" connotation with Mary's favorite: Elliot.
• Trendy names - there could be names we like which have, for some reason, turned-up as popular in recent years. We'd prefer some level of assurance that our kid won't have to share his name with his classmates or coworkers.
  
• Bad association - we'd have to penalize any names that hold a negative (or maybe even neutral-but-strong) association for us because of people we've known in the past who had the name.
  
• False honor - if you had a friend or coworker who happened to share a name you liked, but wasn't the source of that name, you might hesitate to use that name for your child. The act might be misinterpreted as an intentional honor, rather than coincidence. The more unique the name, the greater the chance for awkwardness.
• Subjective dislike - if a name just doesn't strike your fancy, it must be demerited. Perhaps excluded altogether.

Now, exactly none of the names Mary and I have discussed so far have made it unscathed through the gauntlet of potential detraction I've outlined above. So from here there are only two things to be done. First—and anyone who really knows me knows this is always my first step—build a spreadsheet. Next, keep looking and try to find new names to compete with the current, imperfect candidates we've assembled so far: Elliot, Emmet, Clement, Emerson, Lincoln, Reik, Everett, and introducing into the mix Addison... resurrected from the list of names which had previously been excluded. Lets see if we can score these objectively.