Starting during pregnancy, we were surprised by the amount of conflicting parenting and pregnancy advice that's out there. In the "old days" before the Internet, young parents had recourse to any number of books, but I'd be surprised if they ever regularly consulted more than two or three different sources of information. Today we have the Internet, and that means even more advice, and of course, much of it conflicting.
Some of the more judgmental books we own would categorize our style as "accidental parenting": giving the kid what he wants whenever he seems to want it. Not allowing him to cry if we can help it. Not keeping him on a rigid schedule.
Our routine consists of a loose, regular time for going to bed, a loose time-frame for waking up, and naps as he'll take 'em. We've instituted a sort-of-regular bath time for nights that he has one. That's about it.
Many of our books advise a different path: they say kids need a regular schedule so they'll know what to expect. Makes 'em feel secure. So we've tried, every so often, to put the kid on a schedule. It's awkward for us, because we're not particularly regimented ourselves. But I have to say we're far more tolerant of it than August is.
August won't be "put down" for a nap until he's tired (very tired... he fights sleep like his old man does). Attempts to do so result in discord, escalating from whining, to grunting, to crying, to anger, and finally, despair... the worst of all. We've tried a variety of methods for accomplishing the art of the put-to-sleep, but nothing works unless the boy is good and ready.
Same with feeding. This kid eats frequently, in small doses. The ideal of the regular, periodic "feeding session"—where he actively feeds every three to four hours for 20-45 minutes—is foreign to us. He fusses when he's hungry, he eats for food and comfort for anything between 10 and 45 minutes, and then he's placid. He does this every one or two hours or so. Sometimes he doesn't want to go 30 minutes between feedings. Other times he can hang out two or more hours, but it's not predictable. We've tried to stretch the times between feeding, but such attempts have resulted in the same escalating unhappiness I described above, eventually leading to a violent objection on the boy's part which we just can't ignore... we don't like to let the boy cry. We don't like to see him sad, and when he's very sad, it's heartbreaking.
So what are parents to do when their best advice tells them they're doing it all wrong, and they find they really can't (or don't want) to do it "right"? Get on the Internet, of course, and find some advice that matches what you're already doing. For us, we've found this expert, Dr. Bill Sears, whose advice is to follow queues, rather than setup a rigid schedule. While we haven't explored it all in detail yet, it mostly makes sense to us. And now we feel like good parents again! Thank you, Internet... what would we do without you?
2 comments:
Hi guys - We really like Dr. Sears and his ATTACHMENT PARENTING philosophy - I think I have and have read every book on parenting that he has written. Even some of the pediatricians that we have had can't agree on how it should be done, to the point where we've sought out doctors that will listen to us and give us several different view points on parenting that we can look at - everyone has their own ideas about how babies and kids should be nurtured- sounds like you are doing a great job of finding out what works for you!! Caspian didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time until he was 2 1/2 - and he still tends to fights sleep just like his old man :). Hang in there!!!- Raylinda
Just do what works.
My only (unsolicited) advice would be not to take any one source of advice too seriously or subscribe rigidly to one philosphy. It's OK to mix and match. But some of these "experts" make you feel like a bad parent if you don't do every single thing they recommend. In reality, some things work for you and other things don't. Try it all and keep what works.
The only other thing is to be flexible, expect things to change, and trust your instincts about what's right for you.
Plus, four months is still pretty early to expect a baby to be on schedule. Lehua was like that, and then around 6 months she basically put US on a schedule!
Like I said, whatever works.
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